Jokes To Go…Can’t do them on the radio, so here ya go! June 28

June 28

The U.S. jail population has dropped for the first time since 1982. Apparently there just isn’t anyone with a house or any money left to rob any more

A pet waste removal worker in St. Louis found $58 in the dog poop he was picking up. What kind of dog was it? A Doberman Penny Pinscher

A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday.  There is a six way tie for second place.

British Petroleum announced plans Monday to vacuum thirty thousand barrels of spilled oil a day. They’re using a new vacuuming boat. The salesman who sells that vacuum cleaner door-to-door is the only one in the country who is having a good year

May 25

The Treasury Department said Tax Day revenue was way down from the April fifteenth collections last year. People have just stopped paying their taxes. Many Americans have concluded that Leavenworth will be there when they retire and Social Security won’t be.

Germany’s Lufthansa Airlines announced that its flight attendants will carry handcuffs aboard all flights. There was a strong customer demand for it. Now that the airlines charge for baggage, leg room, blankets and food, only masochists fly.

An out-of-control communications company satellite is drifting slowly into the path of another satellite that serves US cable companies. Cable TV broadcasts could be very seriously interrupted or stopped completely. So, there appears to be no down side to the impending collision.

New York Giants legend Lawrence Taylor was fired by Nutri-system after his recent arrest. The company was shocked that he hired an underage hooker.  When you lose weight with Nutrisystem you are supposed to look good enough to get underage girls for free.

May 18

An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The first Homily will be delivered by a St. Bernard. 

The Hubble Telescope found water on a Saturn moon, providing more evidence that there’s life out there. It’s certainly logical. The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

The Walt Disney Co. recently posted a 55% jump in second quarter earnings thanks to the success of the 3-D film “Alice in Wonderland”.  There is just one reason for the big payday; when Alice fell down the hole, she filed an OSHA claim and got a huge out-of-court settlement. 

Larry King and his seventh wife have stopped their divorce proceedings and have reunited.
Yes, picturing them “reuniting” made me throw up a little, too. 

The June edition of Playboy magazine comes equipped with 3-D glasses. The words in all those articles we love so much practically jump right off the page.

April 29
Musician John Tesh tells Kitty Kelley in her new book “Oprah: A Biography,” that he once dated Oprah but they broke up because of the stigma of interracial marriage. Not according to Oprah who says they split because she thought elevators would become less popular and destroy his career

The Treasury Dept. unveiled the newest edition of the $100 bill that is designed to thwart counterfeiters. The new bill has watermarks and expensive inks, and if you hold the bill close to your face you can smell the beer on Ben Franklin’s breath

Talks between United Airline and Continental Airline may lead to a merger, creating the world’s biggest airlines. It would allow United’s crappy customer service to dovetail with Continental’s lousy routes and poor on-time record

Elizabeth Rasmunson of Garner Iowa recently designed and made her own prom dress out of 500 foil wrappers from sticks of Wrigley’s chewing gum. When Elizabeth failed to return home on time, her panicked parents called school officials who found her stuck under a metal folding chair
in the gym where the prom was held

The geniuses at KFC have introduced the Double Down; you get bacon, cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken; the chicken replaces the bread. Double Down was their second choice; first choice was “Colon Clogger

Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. The brewery says if the workers want to drink on the job, they should go get their pilot’s license.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher reportedly say they would like to have a baby together. Apparently Moore wants one more chance to finally give a child a normal name.

April 21
The Eyjafjallajkoll volcano eruption in Iceland continues to spew lava and ash. The year 2010 will be remembered as the year of the Eyjafjallajkoll volcano eruption, and the year of the biggest gift to scrabble players ever.

Qatar’s Ambassador to the U.S. was caught smoking in an airliner bathroom on a U.S. domestic flight. Fighter jets scrambled after he joked he was lighting his shoes on fire. In America, you can go to jail for using a joke that’s eight years old.

A Wyoming trucker set a Guinness record for most body piercings in a single sitting with 1,200 piercings in four hours. He broke the old record, held by General Custer

April 16
Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to Haiti. Because if they need anything down there, it’s surprises.

On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. That is very unusual; in Chicago, if baseball fans want to get screwed, they buy tickets to the see the Cubs.

The San Francisco Giants honored Barry Bonds at their recent home opener. His records will always be suspect. He has never admitted to taking steroids, but for the last four years of his career his baseball card picture was taken by Google Earth

Police in Britain arrested two women at an airport when they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a plane. It was stiff, had no personality, and no life; in other words, it could have been an “American Idol” finalist

April 6
Augusta National warned ticket holders for this week’s Masters tournament to be on their best behavior while Tiger Woods is playing. No one knows how the gallery will react to him. It could be the first Girls Gone Wild video ever broadcast on network television.

U.S. Congressman Paul Broun of Georgia has proposed that the first weekend of May be Ten Commandments Weekend. For three days there’d be no lying, no stealing, no cheating and no adultery. It’s another attempt to shut down the federal government.

Bernie Carbo of the Red Sox says that before he hit the game-tying home run in Game 6 of the 1975 World Series, he “probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some amphetamines, took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette and got up to the plate and hit.” That’s sounds more like Willie Nelson stepping up to the mic.

March 24
Fifty-year-old Chinese government official Han Feng has been charged with taking bribes, embezzlement and conduct unbecoming a government worker after he posted his personal diary on line depicting wild nights of drinking, entertaining a cadre of mistresses and unbridled debauchery. Han Feng is Mandarin for “Charlie Sheen.”

Jesse James admits he cheated on his wife, actress Sandra Bullock. He had to admit it after he was seen in public with an Oscar-shaped bruise on his face.

The NCAA basketball tournament is off to a running start. For all of you NBA fans, all of the movement of the ball you see during the tournament is called “passing”.

March 23
There’s a new technique that helps doctors perform kidney transplants in under an hour. Apparently this is what happens when LensCrafters decides to get into the surgery business.

It seems everything Toyota makes speeds out of control and won’t stop. They should name their next model the National Debt.

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to use Monopoly money to buy drugs. He was sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles.

In a recent ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.

March 22
ESPN and CBS could benefit greatly in the ratings department with Tiger Woods’ return to the PGA in The Masters next month. “Forbes” magazine says it could even surpass the ratings for Woods’ first win at Augusta. The ratings will definitely be huge, right up until viewers realize that they’re watching, well, golf.

What does Jesse James say to Sandra Bullock after making love? “As soon as I get the Harley started I’ll be right home.”

Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the residence of the Octomom. She is reportedly looking for a cheaper shoe.

Carlos Slim of Mexico has just topped Forbes’ Billionaire list and is now the richest man in the world. Of course, he’s just doing the job American billionaires will no longer do.

March 19
C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Wow! Finally a
cure for insomnia.

Spokane County sheriffs booked a woman into jail recently and found
$26,000 cash hidden in her bra. Officials say it was part of a major fraud bust.
When officials pulled out wads of $100 bills, they’d never seen Ben
Franklin so deliriously happy.

Sprint Cup’s Carl Edwards was suspended for a reckless crash. He struck
another car and sent it into the air at two hundred mph. It’s what they have
to do to sell tickets now that they’re competing with the excitement of
amateurs in Toyotas.

A former porn star who had an affair with Tiger Woods says that Woods owes
her an apology for the unwanted attention he brought her. The last thing
a porn star needs is a bad reputation.

The estranged wife of Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt wants $1
Million a month in temporary support. To which McCourt says as soon as she
hits .320 with 30 home runs.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30
stimulants to its “banned” list. Is that smart? Who wants to watch a game that
lasts four hours where everyone is bunting?

Broadcasters have been prohibited from using clichés on Chicago-based
WGN-AM. The most used cliché on that station: Cubs lose

March 18
TV bosses have apologized after clips from the Playboy channel were accidentally played on two children’s channels in the US. That’s one way of getting father’s to spend more time with their children.

An online drive has started to draft singer John Mellencamp to run for Senator from Indiana. Apparently many people thought he had an interest in politics ever since he titled his album “American Fool”.

General Motors announced they are closing the Hummer division. There is a mad scramble for Hummer’s customer list. The male enhancement product company that gets that mailing list will rule the market for the next twenty years.

The Treasury Department will give Ben Franklin a new look on the one-hundred dollar bill. He gets a facelift every two years to thwart counterfeiters. One more facelift and people are going to wonder why Bruce Jenner’s on the hundred dollar bill.

Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a $100 million lawsuit claiming that one of the E-Trade babies in a TV ad is modeled after her. There is a major difference between those E-Trade babies and Lindsay Lohan; those babies have a future in show business.

March 17
The Los Angeles Clippers fired general manager Mike Dunleavy after a seven-year stint. Asked to comment, Dunleavy said, “Wait, you mean I was general manager?”

South Africa says it will need one billion condoms as the world meets there for the World Cup soccer championship. A lot of them will go to waste; remember, you can’t use your hands!

Barbie’s latest careers now includes computer engineer and news anchor. The only difference is one needs to have the brain switch be changed to the “off” position.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin declared that chickens from the U.S. contain too much chlorine and are unsafe to eat. There’s nothing we can do about this. The free-range chickens in California have access to six million swimming pools.

Don Goerke, the inventor of Spaghetti-O’s recently died at 83. He lived a long life. But not as long as the sell-by date on the first can of Spaghetti-O’s.

March 16
My prediction for the hot new toy next Christmas: Tickle Me Massa doll.

Several dating web sites are matching up couples who have the same illness. Apparently one of the slogans is “Love is contagious, just like you”.

President Obama unveiled a four-trillion-dollar budget. He pays for it with higher taxes and borrowed money and leaves a trillion-dollar debt. Parker Brothers has just decided to switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency to save on printing costs.

Randy Jackson says he would like to see the focus of “American Idol” be on the talent and not the judges. That’s pretty much a guarantee when both Paula and Simon are gone.

A study says that the more complex a person’s diet, the sooner they are likely to abandon it. Especially if one of the complexities involves eating less.

March 15
Pregnant women with untreated gum disease may be risking the lives of their babies, according to a study. Which brings up the question as to how women with untreated gum disease are getting pregnant in the first place.

The Hollywood Reporter noted the ten biggest moneymaking movies of all time are action movies. Americans love their heroes to be wild risk-takers with no regard for their personal safety. In his next movie James Bond will drive a Toyota.

Toyota’s chairman apologized on camera for the bad Prius brakes last week while giving a forty-degree bow. In Japanese culture, a ten-degree bow is an apology for a small slight, a forty-degree bow is an apology for brakes that don’t work, and a ninety-degree bow means that Barack Obama is in town meeting with the emperor again.

An influx of cheap electronic goods from China and the Far East has prompted burglars to turn to other crimes. They’re getting retrained as bankers.

An iPhone application offers translations of a baby’s cries to the parents. Apparently the most frequent baby cry is “Will you put that phone down for one minute and give me some attention?”

March 12
The White House unveiled its official eggs for the 2010 Easter Egg Roll. The eggs come in purple, pink, green and cost 800 billion dollars.

The Nepalese celebrated their annual ‘cursing festival’ this weekend. A festival celebrated every day of the year by taxi drivers everywhere

Ronald Howes, Sr., the inventor of Kenner Toy’s “Easy Bake Oven” has died. No one wants to be a pallbearer; everyone is afraid they’ll burn their fingers on the handles.

Golfer John Daly has been signed to endorse Slix Closer brand of underwear. They’re perfect for the man who likes to stop and take a leak three feet off the fairway

Zhora, the chimpanzee in Russia who become addicted to smoking and an alcoholic after visitors gave him too many “treats,” has been sent to rehab by his handlers. The popular primate’s fans all wish him godspeed in getting the humans off his back.

USC testified to the NCAA about a house provided for Reggie Bush’s family and cash he got in college. No one will ever find any written evidence of the house lease or cash payments. They are hidden under an encyclopedia at the Kardashian house.

March 11
Looters in quake ravaged Chile have been returning stolen items to police under an amnesty program offered by the government. The looters say it was all a misunderstanding, they thought the Lakers had won another championship.

The Census Bureau is angering Americans with census form questions. They ask you to state your income. You must answer carefully because if you report an income that’s too low, the government will take away your children, and if it’s too high the government will show up at your door and make you pay your neighbor’s mortgage.

American Airlines says it will start charging $8 for a blanket and pillow on domestic flights. That
comes right after U.S. Airways announced it will be charging for a bathing suit and inflatable raft
for flights landing in the Hudson River.

An air-traffic controller at J.F.K. International has been suspended after he let his kids instruct aircraft in the tower. The day after that he let his kids talk to the clerk at the unemployment office.

March 9
New York madam Kristin Davis announced she will run for governor. She’s promised to legalize prostitution. The way lawmakers have been screwing the taxpayers it was inevitable that someone would step up and demand a cut for arranging it.

Pamela Anderson was selected to be a celebrity contestant on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars this fall. It will be great to see her again. Several years ago she had breast reduction surgery, a procedure that is better known in Hollywood as retirement.

Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.

An Ohio man built a snow castle out of blocks of ice, furnished it with rose pedals and wine, and used it as the scene where he asked his girlfriend to marry him. She accepted, and now doctors say they’ve never seen frostbite in so many unusual places.

The US Navy says it will soon change a decades-old policy and will allow women to serve on submarines. I’m guess the periscope will be up most of the time.

March 8
General Motors announced that they’re recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Finally, an explanation for how the company was run into a ditch.

Tiger Woods recently checked into an Arizona rehab for painkillers. He just left sex rehab. USA Today showed a map of the United States with a red dot on the map every place where a Tiger Woods mistress lives, and he has better coverage than Verizon.

Several 100 year old crates of whiskey and brandy were recently found left behind by explorer Ernest Shackleton in Antarctica. The amazing thing is that the liquor wasn’t as well preserved as a box of Hostess Twinkies that were found with it.

Toyota officials told Congress they are working to fix the sticky accelerators and brake problems. They knew about the problem in Japan and they fixed it, they knew about the problem in Europe and they fixed it. An American car won’t admit it has a problem until somebody hits it with a golf club and it starts to lose endorsements.

The 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on “Dancing With The Stars.” Despite his age, he’s an early favorite. He did perfect the moonwalk.

An image of an ant lifting 100 times its body weight taken by zoologist Thomas Endlein won first prize in a science photography contest. The photo shows an incredibly strong Asian weaver ant, better known among entomologists as a member of the species “Arnoldus Schwarzeneggerus.”

Australian researchers say that drugs could replace glasses some day. Apparently their study took into account the effects of “beer goggles” at closing time at bars.

March 1
A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. Not only that, but a person going through gender reassignment can also file their own joint return

The percentage of Americans who are behind on their credit card payments leveled off in January. It is expected to hold steady at “everybody”.

The U.S. Olympic delegation in Vancouver recently saluted the U.S. Olympic hockey team that beat the Soviet Union thirty years ago in the much-fabled Miracle on Ice. It only causes a stir in Americans. *To Canadians, a Miracle on Ice is a chilled Molson.

Toyota’s chairman Akio Toyoda apologized for the Prius with a sixty-degree bow of contrition. Last week he bowed forty degrees apologizing for the brakes on the Camry. Next week when he’s inside-out you’ll know he’s apologizing for the Lexus.

The White House Council of Economic Advisers met and predicted that a hundred thousand new jobs a month will be created in the next twelve months. The numbers won’t hold up. By July the driveway shoveling jobs will probably be gone.

Feb 26
A seed shortage for cucumbers, carrots and onions across the country could imperil home gardens. That would be really bad news if Americans ate cucumbers, carrots or onions.

The state of Hawaii is thinking about adding gambling to the list of activities there. Right now, the primary way that visitors gamble in Hawaii is by eating the sushi at the hotel’s $7 luau.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised to retaliate against any new sanctions imposed on his country. You know he means business when he goes on TV wearing a brand new 1984 Members Only jacket.

A new TV special critical of the Kennedy family is being produced by the creator of the hit series “24”. In it, they say that each of the Kennedy brothers slept with Marilyn Monroe, but only for an hour.

The A.P. reports a new survey has found marijuana use among of people aged 55 to 59 years-old more than tripled from 1.6 percent in 2002 to 5.1 percent in 2008. The study also found an huge increase AARP memberships. The American Association of Retired Potheads. I’ve fallen and I’m too stoned to get up.

Feb 22
NATO launched an offensive against the Taliban in Afghanistan. It’s all very organized. The U.S. is in charge of ground and air, Britain’s in charge of the tank forces, Germany’s in charge of artillery and France is in charge of refreshments.

American Airlines began charging passengers eight dollars for blankets. They’re not trying to make a profit. They’re just trying to recoup the cost of cleaning the blanket every time an underwear bomber tries to set off an explosion underneath one.

The continent of Africa now has more than a billion people. Of course, that will only last until the next visit by Angelina Jolie and Madonna.

The Weather Channel reported snow on the ground in forty-nine states for the first time ever last week. It’s a winter nobody will forget. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his book on global warming and now it’s up for the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction.

The CDC says the swine flu made 57 million Americans sick. That’s almost as many as “Jersey Shore”.

Popular singer Madonna is going to appear on an episode of the new NBC show “The Marriage Ref”. On the show, the contestants get no points; Madonna does all the scoring.

Feb 9
New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees tied a record by making 32 successful passes, Sunday. It was a record previously held by Tiger Woods.

A New York women was stopped for driving in the car-pool lane of the Long Island Expressway with a mannequin as a passenger. The police let her go when they learned she was helping a Toyota crash-test dummy escape from the Prius factory.

Toyota apologized for faulty gas pedals on four million vehicles just recalled. When you press the pedal down it stays down and the car accelerates out of control. Whoever designed the gas pedal should be fired and made Treasury Secretary.

California mountain streams are reported to be swarming with gold prospectors. Gold prices just passed one thousand dollars an ounce and recent rainstorms have loosened new sediment that’s streaming into the rivers. Sporting goods stores are full of blonde gold diggers asking each other if these wading boots make them look fat.

Feb 8
CBS rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to “Go to hell”. Apparently CBS were afraid that people would think the commercial is coming from the people at Goldman Sachs

The days of roaming the surface of Mars are over for NASA’s rover Spirit. Spirit was designed to run for just three months but has been rolling across the Martian surface for six years now. That’s what happens when you have Toyota design the accelerator pedal

So far February has been confusing to say the least. The economy won’t go and Toyotas won’t stop

The latest rumors out of Hollywood say that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in fact not breaking up. First they’re on, and then they’re off; now they’re back on. Brangelina is the Brett Favre of entertainment

A sexual addiction rehab clinic in Mississippi, has ordered Tiger Woods to not have sex for 18 weeks. And not only that, he can’t even polish his own putter

Feb 1
Did you watch the Grammys? Tiger Woods won for Best Voice Mail Message.

Apple will soon make a model of their iPad computer for politicians. They’re going to call the iLie

Jan 29
Christie’s in London announced it will auction a four-inch cigar butt smoked by Winston Churchill at a war cabinet meeting. What a souvenir. It will set a record price for a historic cigar, at least until the Clinton Library auctions its memorabilia.

NBC says it will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics. But the network feels at home with winter sports, because they are proving that nobody is faster at going downhill.

Some are still questioning parts of President Obama’s State of the Union speech. For instance, many Americans believe that more of his speech should’ve been in 3-D. In fact, Toyota’s even recalled certain parts of it.

Jan 25
Six TV stations in Venezuela were abruptly taken off the air after they violated rules set by the country’s president, Hugo Chavez. Chavez claims he warned the stations not to move Leno to 10 o’clock.

John Edwards finally confessed that he’s the father of the child born to his videographer. Just in time to claim her as a dependent on his taxes.

New Jersey has made marijuana legal. Which explains why Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band changed its name to The Doobie Brothers.

Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios announced that actor Tobey Maguire will not return in his role as Spiderman in “Spiderman 4”. Instead, they hired Tiger Woods; nobody can tangle a web like Tiger.

In Turkey, a sheep gave birth to a fetus that has a human-like face. Eight guys left town

Iceland’s credit rating has been dropped to junk bond status. *It’s so bad that the country is having to put their entire federal budget on a Discover Card

A study says that denim can protect against rattlesnake venom. *Now the only thing is trying to figure out how to get those rattlesnakes to wear blue jeans

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2 Responses to “Jokes To Go…Can’t do them on the radio, so here ya go! June 28”

  1. Really liked the Octomom one!
    We miss the humor so much!
    Glad you are putting them up here…..
    So many, you must feel like the Octopop of humor!

  2. Can’t wait to hear you tomorrow in Terre Haute!

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